5/06/2006 08:18:00 PM|W|P|Schnozz|W|P|Some of you have probably wondered about a certain hoppity Hugh Hefner. There hasn't been much mention of him lately, has there? He sort of just disappeared off the rabbit radar, did he not? Well ... there's a reason for that. Oh, now. Come on. That was funny.* Anyway: Good news! The ball-removal operation took care of Hugh's pungent, unlivable stench. Hugh is the least smelly bunny on the planet now. You can scoop him up and kiss him and pet him and sniff him, and there is nary a noxious odor to be found. (What will be found is a highly annoyed rabbit, so I don't recommend doing this to him all that often.) Best of all, having his manhood removed didn't affect his handsomeness in the least. Say it with me: Awwwwwww. For those of you new rabbit owners currently wearing clothespins on their noses and begging their rabbits to stop making sweet love to them, I will say that neutering comes at a price. Not that I regret it--anyone who regrets it apparently has no olfactory function--but it IS a little sad that I'm not Hugh's girlfriend anymore. There was a time that he would never leave my side, but after I handed him over to some guy with a scalpel, he totally broke up with me. He used to bring me chocolates and take me out dancing. And now, if I'm not petting him on the forehead, I'm of little use to him, and he prefers to traipse about the kitchen, pushing empty boxes around in circles with his nose and gleefully tearing up paper towels. (He LOVES it when I put a few down on the floor for him, and he has a favorite empty soda-can box that he scoots merrily all over the kitchen.) He is rather hard to photograph when he's feeling rowdy, but you can't say I didn't try. Therefore, in the pictures that actually turn out, Hugh is half awake, if that. Another sad thing is that Hugh doesn't buzz much anymore. He used to buzz loudly when he was talking to me, and even when he was far away from me, he would punctuate each hop with a quiet little buzz to himself as he moseyed along. It was really cute, and it never occurred to me that he would stop doing it just because we maimed him a little. But it turns out that rabbit buzzing roughly translates to "Get over here, baby, and let Poppa give you some sugar." Because now that Hugh isn't nearly so amorous, he isn't nearly so loud either. Thankfully, he does still buzz a little, usually when he wants me to pet him. Most of Hugh's personality is intact, though. He still makes himself into a rabbit periscope, little front paws dangling in the air, as he checks out his surroundings. He often swivels to and fro when doing this, making his ears flop about in a very charming manner. Only coldblooded serial killers are not charmed by this. In fact that's how police identify them: the Rabbit Ear Flop Test. It's admissible in court, you know. And Hugh still likes to show off his big rabbit booty and his giganto back feet. You know what they say about a rabbit with big back feet. They say, "Look! A rabbit." Perhaps the most exciting news, at least for lazy me, is that Hugh simply does not poop or pee when he's out of his cage. He'll make it four hours in his carrier (perhaps longer, but we've never tried it) and as long as he needs to in the kitchen --which isn't all that long, because he will often climb back into his cage on his own after he's done playing and rest in there with the door open, as he prefers to sleep/poop/eat in there, where he knows we've agreed not to bother him. (Though, as you see in the pictures, he also likes snuggling against the outside of his cage and sleeping that way.) I let him out every day for a couple of hours of playtime, and he's never had an accident on the floor. Nor has he ever had an accident in his carrier. Not one. I find this astonishing, and have no idea if it's typical or not. All I know is, it makes Hugh very little work, as I pretty much never have to clean up after him, besides just folding up his old puppy pad, spraying a little disinfectant, and laying down a new one in its place. It amazes me that Hugh is far, far easier to take care of than Carlos**, but he is. Hugh will climb into and out of his cage when prompted, which is what the rabbit people recommend, so the rabbit won't feel as if he is a prisoner being dragged everywhere. Getting him to climb out is easy; he's usually pretty eager to come out and play, which he casually, subtly demonstrates by smashing his face against the cage bars so hard that his nose and cheeks ooze through the grid. Getting him into the cage is just as easy. I had read that if you annoy a rabbit, he will usually get into his cage just so you'll leave him alone. It's true: all I have to do is talk to him loudly while following him there, and he finds me so irritating that he'll do anything to get away from my loud singsong voice. He hops right in every time and lets me close the door. At which point he gets lots of praise--WHAT A GOOD BUNNY, OH HUGH IS THE BEST BUNNY, YES HE IS--and a sprig of broccoli as a treat. He then munches happily for the next few minutes before realizing that he's been duped. Again. But Hugh is a forgiving bunny, so he usually doesn't hold it against us. In fact, Hugh is a lot sweeter and snugglier these days. The other day I decided to see what he would do if I didn't pet him right away when he put his head down for me to do it. I just lay next to him, where he could see me. He surveyed me, waited a minute for me to pet him, then buzzed loudly and smushed his forehead into my forehead. And that's when I knew, for sure, with no more "if we keep him"s or "if this works out"s that Hugh was the rabbit for me. Welcome to the family, Hugh Hefner. (P.S., I am still sick, Internet. You are not allowed to stop feeling sorry for me.) ----------- *Originally I was going to stick Hugh in a pot, set him on the stove, and wait for him to inevitably peep out in bafflement. Then I would take a picture of it, and it would be hilarious. But at the last minute he looked at me with his sweet little face and I just couldn't go through with it. As even-tempered as he is, no one likes being trapped in a giant metal cylinder. **Speaking of Carlos, a few people have asked me if Carlos is being ignored now. The honest answer is, "Well, sort of." And the truth is, Carlos loves it. As far as we can tell, his attitude is, "Thank God they got a pet they can actually TOUCH, so they can finally stop terrorizing me as I scramble from one side of my cage to another to avoid their filthy human flesh." That said, I make sure to spend a little time hanging out with Carlos now and then. Even though Carlos doesn't care. Just to ease my conscience. Humans are weird sometimes.|W|P|114887273333216557|W|P|Whatever happened to Hugh the rabbit?|W|P|j.h.gilbert@gmail.com